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Editor’s note: This is nothing short of brilliant.
I try and keep an updated annual “blog” of rules based on my many years of St. Patty’s day alcoholism, and trust me these are tried and true. I have added 1 or 2 new ones for 2010, but let me know if i left any off! Happy raging!
Now everyone’s experiences on Lower/Upper Greenville may vary, but if you look forward to the normal 9am - ? drinking bender that I do every year on this beautiful day, here are some guidelines to avoid embarassment, severe personal injury/embarrassment, etc:
1) Always bring LOTS OF CASH (preferably in the form of 5’s and 1’s in order to save time and not piss off the equally impatient and drunk ppl behind you). I would recommend spreading this money out around different pockets, orifices, etc on your body. Pickpocketing from a drunk-ass is like stealing candy from a semi-retarded infant. Also, the ATM lines are roughly 20000000k miles long. You will shrivel up and die by the time you get beer money from these.
2) Bring 2 forms of ID. Now you will generally not be asked for 2 forms, but you have lost at least one, and possibly some credit cards as an added bonus
3) Wear green that a blind person to see to avoid idiots fucking with you b/c they don’t notice that you simply have a green and white striped shirt. This will minimize the beatings you will take from guys you will somehow be having beers with later that afternoon (?)
4) If you actually care about any of the friends you start the day with I would recommend not leaving anyone even to piss. Be piss pals. This is not to curb any homoerotic inclinations, but rather to respect the fact that your cell phone WILL NOT WORK AT ALL amongst the other 5000000 drunk fucks trying to find their friends. If you want to go as that hammered guy raging alone please disregard #4.
5) Never go with a significant other. Something in the what I believe to be highly toxic green that all the beer is saturated with will leave you single and loveless by the end of the night with no memory of why.
6) Condoms! You’re going to have to piss out so much beer throughout Saturday & Sunday you probably prefer that it not burn like fire. Plus lower greenville girls are skanky. The only permanent souvenir you should have from this day is assault or a PI, which brings me to:
7) NEVER BE ALONE outside of the designated drunk drinking area. For some odd reason (the cop wouldn’t explain to me why) Police target and fuck with anyone who is walking alone, stumbling or not. If you are with just one other person however, feel free to dance on the DART rail with a bottle of whiskey and said green dye in hand, as this is socially acceptable for public safety? I was detained twice in 1 hour for above mentioned rule infraction.
8) Don’t by liquor for a homeless man b/c you feel you are doing something nice. He will follow you like a needy g/f for the rest of the day telling you about how his life got so sad and pathetic. Please contact G**** for details.
9) Carry around whatever it is that you will need to wake back up a bit around 2-3pm b/c you do not want to pass out in someone’s yard or you could wake up in their basement with a ball gag in your mouth.
10) Have at least one person in your group that you know can ACTUALLY fight, as you will most likely have 3-4 friends who KNOW they can fight but can in actuality just piss off the largest UFC/college football player/etc that happens to be wasted in the general vicinity. That way, the real fighter can buy you some time as you stumble sprint off towards the nearest cop like a child looking for protection(no shame in this)
11) Do not try to get into areas where you have to have special wristbands if you don’t have one. Trying to sweet talk a sober bouncer when you’re not even sure you’re making words is just embarassing for everyone involved. Trust me!
12) Don’t drive unless you wanna end up the news for some sort of felony that will be both funny and tragic.
13) If you have a camera you care about, don’t be an idiot and bring it, as you will not see it again (unless your lucky and it resurfaces 2 years later). Man up and spend the $50 it costs now to get a cheap 5 mega-pixel POS at Best Buy. The cheaper it is, the more likely it is to survive.
14) Milo’s has more cameras than you think outside. Be careful what you do where. ;)
IF I think of any more things me…errr…my friends did last year, I’ll update this as I get increasingly bored at work. Also feel free to make any adendums that I make have neglected or did not happen to someone I know…
Thanks for reading and look for me violating rules 1-12 next Saturday.